per amica silentia lunae

or, across the ferny brae with the evil voodoo celt

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throw me the idol and i'll throw you the whip
badtoon
evcelt
At some point this past weekend, I found myself thinking, I need a machete.

It may've been when I was pruning and clearing brush in the back yard of the Sorcerers' Cottage - I've been pushing back the jungly underbrush at the edges for the past few years, and there was something about cutting an especially thick grapevine and seeing a trickle of water come spilling out that seemed, well, equatorial. I suppose it could have been the Digger hat I was wearing... it's a veteran of many outdoor LARPs with tropical settings.

It wasn't a hostile feeling; even though the lot at the center of the block is being developed, and what monsteralice refers to as a "triple-wide" is being built there. We've actually found it quite fascinating; it sprang up overnight like a mushroom, and we think that they used an "Instant House- Just Add Water!" kit. It's a huge, foursquare thing, looming up at the top of the hill... but it's not like the blessed thing is actually looming over our backyard. Anyway, things are already shady back there, and if they can deal with seeing the results of our laissez-faire groundskeeping, we can deal with having a house up there. It's not like we care very much about anyone seeing us walking around naked inside the Cottage; if they turn out to be voyeurs, I'll put on a monkey-mask and go out on the back patio and shake my wingwang at them or something. Put on a show...

Now one of our friends is feeling hostile about that house... she set her sights on the lot a long time ago, and got the owners to promise to let her know when it went on the market. They didn't, of course, and now she's steamed. When I spoke to her, she was ill-wishing the new owners; she hoped that a big bird would land there and poop all over the roof. She apparently asked monsteralice if I would set up a nithing-post against them... monsteralice declined politely but firmly. Good; I don't do that kind of work for other people. Getting horse-heads this day and age is a royal pain, anyway...

What? Oh, yeah, the "machete" comment. No, I think it was when I was performing some landscape archaeology in the front yard. You see, when we bought the house there were steps leading up from the driveway, but no real solid path connecting that and the front porch- just an arc of slate stepping-stones. I put in a path with brick edging and mulch, which looked nice for a month or two then faded away; I restored it the next year, and so on... Over time, and due to the pressures of ivy and the vast yew tree that spreads darkly in that part of the yard, the path migrated outward. I hadn't gotten around to restoring it for a while, and started to take a stab at it this past weekend. I had entirely forgotten about the steps, and was startled during pruning to uncover the iron railing that was at the side of them.

So I dug and dug and chopped and chopped. I've uncovered most the steps now; I just need to shore things up to either side and they'll be fine. Then I get to chop a new curve, close to the yew, from there to the porch steps. Joy. Ivy roots are tough. Like I said, machete.

That was Saturday, and a beastly hot one it was. Sunday, it wasn't much better... although the compensations were manifest- I always enjoy the way women's clothing seems to shrink in the heat, as it were. Like at Home Despot, for example- carts were at a premium, and I had to trail someone out to her car to get one. My reward was that she was a most luscious young lovely in a cami and shorts, and I got to watch her as she unloaded the cart into the car... bending low to pick things up and put things in her car... ahhh. Life was good.

Sorry, where was I? After errands, I was doing some work on the front porch, when I noticed an odd-shaped leaf on the floor. No, not a leaf. A mummified wee beastie; possibly a mouse, but I think it was a shrew. And that got me to thinking... those steps from the driveway looked an awful lot like a step-pyramid, rising from the ivy jungle. Maybe the rodent mummy came from there. Maybe those little beggars had adopted the steps as a holy site. Maybe the next time I came out to work on it there would be some cute yet horrible sacrificial rite going on, and the priest would try to lay some kind of tiny curse on me. Could we be talking "Indiana evcelt and the Temple of Shrews"?

Yep. I definitely need a machete.

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I used to talk about needing a machete to get through the back yard (raspberry thicket, ouch!) Instead, I ended up hiring a gang of swarthy laborers to clear the plantation, and things have been under control since then. (Well, relatively speaking. Below machete level, at least.)

For some reason rodent rituals remind me of this...

I bought a relatively cheap and awesome-looking machete back in college at a Sunny's Surplus before they got lame and commercialized. It's black with a syrrated edge. We have used it for many a yard-pruning.. Best 10$ I ever spent. :)

I expect you can get machetes at Ranger Surplus or someplace like that. I KNOW you can get them at cheaperthandirt.com

Now I just need to decide on what style to get...

Hey! It says "free Airsoft gun with order of $100 or more"!

Hmmmm...

Hey! It says "free Airsoft gun with order of $100 or more"!

Really? How very interesting.

Verrrrry interesting indeed.

The only time I've seen a machete, believe this or not, was during a rather nasty race riot at my junior high school. A friend of mine, who was mulatto, pulled me into the boys' bathroom and showed me that he had one strapped to his chest.

"Cathy," he said, "I don't know which side to fight for, and if I'm confused, everyone else will be, too."

Luckily, I convinced him to go home and not come back that day.

Yes, race riot. In 1988.

Dirk had a machete at the last work weekend...

the last work weekend was a veritable cornucopia of testosterone.

an "Instant House- Just Add Water!" kit

Component parts from the Sears Catalog? Actually, it's possible. As is the triple-wide concept. They can't put those on flatbeds on the highway, they transport them in pieces.

I'll put on a monkey-mask and go out on the back patio and shake my wingwang at them or something

Thank you. This brightened by day considerably. I did not snarf Mount St. Dew, thankfully. *pause* ROTFLMAO.

Could we be talking "Indiana evcelt and the Temple of Shrews"

Who gets to play the part of the boulder?

Component parts from the Sears Catalog? Actually, it's possible. As is the triple-wide concept. They can't put those on flatbeds on the highway, they transport them in pieces.

Seriously? They seem to have been using prefab house parts- I saw them lifting a wall in with a crane, and it had the window w/glass already in it. "Triple-wide" not so much because it's actually anything like one, but because it it huge (though not so much as the ones going up across from Arlington Hospital) and completely foursquare.

Who gets to play the part of the boulder?

Depending on how long the dig takes, probably a black walnut dropped by a helpful squirrel.

Seriously? They seem to have been using prefab house parts

Absolutely. Not from sears, tho', not any more. Available for everything from trailers to mansions. CNN Money had an article, so did Wall Street Journal, here and here.

I got one if you need it...hardly used. (yeah yeah yeah...I use my GUNS to trim hedges...) :-D

hardly used

Just a few bloodstains here and there. Hardly noticeable until you get it under UV lighting!

No, I'm going to use this as an excuse to get one of my own.

Now, if I could get a honest-to-gods Moro parang from the rebellion... I could hang it up next to my kukri and they could trade bloodcurdling stories. ;-)

As the part owner of a double wide I can say that they do have advantages - lower taxes is one. I want to look at a new one they are offering at the lot near me. It is a two story colonial with a garage extension and it is massive. I want it. Afterall how can you not like a house you can upgrade when you want to? Without moving locations!!!

I'll put on a monkey-mask and go out on the back patio and shake my wingwang at them or something. Put on a show...

Can I request advance notice of said performance so that I can set up chairs, make popcorn and sell tickets?

Maybe the next time I came out to work on it there would be some cute yet horrible sacrificial rite going on, and the priest would try to lay some kind of tiny curse on me.

Sounds like a LARP to me "Temple of the lost Shrew Gods"

Can I request advance notice of said performance so that I can set up chairs, make popcorn and sell tickets?

monsteralice is in charge of all that...

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